boston_marriage (boston_marriage) wrote,

oh dear

Okay. So. I definitely screwed up this weekend in terms of the eating disorder. Which is nuts, because I haven't done that for about a month. I'm pretty sure all of this not knowing what the fuck I'm doing with school triggered it, and now I am in panic/starvation mode again. 

I absolutely REFUSE to keep doing this to myself. It was a setback, but I'm going to keep going forward and trying to fix this goddamn thing. 

I figured out something (not wonderful, but doable) for my bronze class, though my proposal is now three weeks late. I don't know wtf I'm doing for my studio class, other than I handed in a bullshit proposal (on time), and then tried to have an interview with my prof, and just ended up crying. Smooth. There's another one who thinks I'm nuts. 

Oh well. I'm sure he'll move into the Colette phase soon enough. Yeah, she's loony, but mostly she's just annoying and it's not like she's actually going to follow through and kill herself or something so I'll just look the other way, walk quickly, feign having something more pressing. Hell. Anne phase, too. 

But seriously. There's nothing. Inside. My. Head. No more art. No more brilliant ideas. And for some reason, everyone still expects it of me. And yet nothing I do will be good enough to get her to care about me. 

And- I am amused by this- Colette Whiten actually takes public transit...who knew? And why does it make me cry?

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