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[11 Jul 2007|03:35pm]
mmm...i just saw a roach in the food court at the cretin centre.

I am officially getting out of Toronto asap.

that is all.
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... [10 Jul 2007|12:11pm]
Okay...so I haven't slept in my apartment for 9 days and counting...a couple of nights were spent wandering the streets, hanging out in a 24/7 Tim's, and spending 45 minutes asleep on a park bench in the Grange...

I either need some really strong sedatives, or a new place to live, pronto.

I've spent the last three or so days at Mac's house in Niagara on the Lake. I love it here. His mom is really a sweetheart, his dad is fun, and his sister is this fun, crazy, actress type who is my age. I also love his dogs. I've caught up on some sleep, but I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight. Mac's giving me the keys to his place, even though it looks rather as though it SHOULD have roaches, it apparently doesn't, so far as he knows. So there's a bed there.

Man. I'm getting really goddamn sick of Toronto all around, and now that we're looking for a new place, it's just like fuck...I'm never going to get out of this city.

But oh well.

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[25 Jun 2007|11:33am]
[ mood | 7 espresso shots caffeinated ]

H'okay. I had an awesome weekend in Creep River (22nd onwards 24th), even though I ended up spending a total of 14 hours on a bus and two hours sitting around at the Ottawa depot waiting for the bus to TO on sunday.

I chilled with my family and dogs, got to see our Sarah, Sarah Goyette ( who I maintain is AMAZING) and Anne (who is amazing by default because she is Anne). I also harassed the Bean House employees, who didn't know what an Americano was. I was nice about it, and simply asked for a double espresso in a medium cup filled the rest of the way with hot water...

We also went to the Ruta's for dinner on Saturday, where PAUL, yes PAUL cooked us an amazing Chinese outdoor feast over a propane wok...and we had cheesecake a la my mother for dessert. It was good to see the Ruta family and Marylin's mum, and Dylan, and it sucks that Jo wasn't there...we missed her by a day.

Anywho...I should prolly go to sleep...I got off work an hour early (9:30am) and the stupid bus got in at 12am last night/this morning, and I got about two and a half hours of sleep before I had to drag ass at 4am to go to work. And then idiot went to the gym...and tried to shave her legs on two and a half hours of sleep, an opening shift, and three shots of espresso... (I shaved an inch and a half long, quarter inch wide strip of skin off my left ankle).

Did I mention that sometime when she was sick, Grummie apparently attempted suicide, and that I'm finding out about it three years later? Wtf, yo.

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[19 May 2007|01:05am]
This is me posting a frantic message because it's one o'clock in the morning, and the asshole above me is yet again visiting sub-woofer table-shaking assholery upon my frazzled, shaking, close-to-tears self. How the FUCK am I supposed to LIVE like this?

In other news, two bad days eating/uneating-wise, though I promised myself that tomorrow will be better. It seems so much easier to believe I'll get through a day when there is work in it, and possibly seeing some friends. Eventually, I'd like to get through a day OFF work without binging and purging becoming my sole occupation and identity. I become so terrified by the prospect of having to fill the hours that I'm awake that without consciously thinking about it, I decided to do this by being bulimic. Intelligent, I know.

Anyway, I am apparently going to attempt to go to sleep now- though how I'll managed that, I'm not sure.

A place to live is somewhere you're supposed to feel like you've got control. Instead, I feel like I'm stuck in someone else's space, someone who is intent on me killing myself.

As I'm all puked/whined/threatened out, I'll sign off, shut up, and go lie awake in my bed.

later all.
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[29 Apr 2007|02:40am]
oh noes- i'm hella drunk and slightly stoned, but 'happy'. I had a good time tonight and it was nice to see Cam and co, and play pool and 'sing' along with teh guitar cover man.

*thanks self for forcing ass out door*


*rocker hands*
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[09 Apr 2007|08:21am]
Christ. So now the pigeon has layed another egg, and while I thought it had abandoned the first one, that is not actually the case and instead it seems to be alternating which one it sits on...aka, they're BOTH going to die because it's freezing out there.

Stupid, stupid birds.
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[07 Apr 2007|05:45pm]
Okay. MAN. I have had a day. Yesterday Mac asked me to come to Niagara on the Lake with him (his home) and I said yes. His house is beautiful, his parents are beyond AWeSOME, and his dog is my new best friend.

Cool things:

-saw a cardinal for the first time
-butterfly conservatory
-Niagara fucking Falls
-Lakeshore beach at Niagara on the Lake mud walk of destiny
-excellent afternoon snooze
-approaching dinner with Grandmother
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The Egg. [06 Apr 2007|10:11am]
Oh. My. God.

It snow's yesterday, and they do THIS? Those birds really ARE retarded.

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[17 Mar 2007|07:04pm]
It's St. Patrick's Day, and as far as I know, I'm going to be boring and stay in. There's this bash at an OCAD friend's house, but I only know her through classes, and though she's nice, I don't feel like it. 

Oh well. I plan to drink some tea, or irish cream coffee, read some irish lore and listen to irish tunes. i am hopeful that the potheads (yes, i could smell it through their door when i went to see if it was them being noisy as fuck) who live above me will be quiet tonight this night of national drunkeness. (har?)

i can always phone security. i haven't done THAT for ages ^^

EDIT:: going out with CAMILLE and co. *excitement* 

The prospect of sitting alone on my heart's national holiday was more than a little saddening. 

Fuck the tea man...gimme a guiness!

Oh, and i phoned my Auntie tonight...aunt Bun, she's called, though her name is actually Val-Ann. She's grum's sister and i love'r. whooo.
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[14 Mar 2007|08:09am]
[ mood | hopeful ]


So, anyway. I had my first amazing weekend last weekend and it has been 8 whole days since I've done anything even remotely bulemic.

My sister is presently visiting me, and I even went on a bit of a clothing quest (not an single pair of slouchy sweatpants!). I'm trying to just suck it up and accept myself the way I am right now, eat HEALTHILY and not RESTRICTIVELY, and most of all, to not panic. I'm still having difficulty feeling 'safe'. I have, however, had two fairly decent nights of sleep, and while I can blame some of my insomnia on pigeons, most of it can be attributed to a deep current of worry and fear. Right now I need to acknowledge that fear, and promise myself that things are really going to be okay.


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[01 Mar 2007|07:04pm]
mmm. best dinner ever- tomato soup and peanut butter sandwhich. i was going to cook fish tonight, but i was tired (again) because the pigeons (again) kept waking me up. 

I also went to the gym today, did a shift in moldmaking, and worked on my relief. i think i should have done it on a larger scale, but we'll have to perservere before binning it. 

finally, i actually managed to give colette a genuine smile today. i'm starting to come around after being mortally offended by her complete lack of attendance of the show, and the forgiveness is more for myself than for her. it's tiring being grumpy. 

my friend maria quit smoking today and she's grumpy. she walked out of the 3rd year studio muttering, 'you don't want a cigarette because you don't smoke, just keep telling yourself that, maria'. 

She's awsome. 

I think i'm going to try to phone anne tonight before she disappears on her science academy crusade to northern ontario.
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[28 Feb 2007|10:10pm]
Just me, ranting about another good day. I finished my second gating system and await the okay to start dipping in the ceramic slurry. I read a bit, drew a bit, and also started working on a relief that i've been thinking about doing for a while. I also worked tonight. forgoed the gym today, but walked to and from school (1/2 hour each way), and was tired as hell seeing as how my pigeons decided to wake me up every half-hour last night. 

If they know what's good for them they'll shut the hell up. 

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day II [26 Feb 2007|07:52pm]

Alrighty- had a good day today. I made it to the gym, grabbed my midterm (a staggering 75%, but I'm still dropping the class), finished one of two gating systems, and discovered that chapters has nothing in the way of bookbinding instruction. But, der, I should probably check the massive ART SCHOOL LIBRARY of OCAD. They most likely will have something. 

I also actually managed to buy groceries, and eat a real dinner, in my apartment, that I cooked, for the first time in I dunno how long. 

So, tomorrow, I'm planning on finishing the second gating system, exploring the OCAD library, hitting the gym, and possibly investigating the paint situation at the nearest Canadian Tire.

So that's that. Woo00OO00ooo


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[30 Jan 2007|09:11pm]
[ mood | sooo ]

blowing the leftover vomit out of my nose. excellent. 

speaking of, blowing and other things, i completely blew off my meeting at sheena's place yesterday in favour of perpetuating the disorder instead. and the hopefully purchased chicken and veggies sit uncooked in the refrigerator as i ate lumpy condensed broccoli soup for dinner, when i figured i'd starved myself for long enough following my 'episode' this morning.

huh. i just got a phonecall from my parents. apparently i am allowed to drop out of school. interesting. i don't feel relieved or anything. just guilty. i also still don't know what the fuck i'm doing (rather, not doing) in school. 

my body is a dog named zoe. i need to take it for a walk.

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oh dear [22 Jan 2007|09:52pm]
[ mood | erm ]

Okay. So. I definitely screwed up this weekend in terms of the eating disorder. Which is nuts, because I haven't done that for about a month. I'm pretty sure all of this not knowing what the fuck I'm doing with school triggered it, and now I am in panic/starvation mode again. 

I absolutely REFUSE to keep doing this to myself. It was a setback, but I'm going to keep going forward and trying to fix this goddamn thing. 

I figured out something (not wonderful, but doable) for my bronze class, though my proposal is now three weeks late. I don't know wtf I'm doing for my studio class, other than I handed in a bullshit proposal (on time), and then tried to have an interview with my prof, and just ended up crying. Smooth. There's another one who thinks I'm nuts. 

Oh well. I'm sure he'll move into the Colette phase soon enough. Yeah, she's loony, but mostly she's just annoying and it's not like she's actually going to follow through and kill herself or something so I'll just look the other way, walk quickly, feign having something more pressing. Hell. Anne phase, too. 

But seriously. There's nothing. Inside. My. Head. No more art. No more brilliant ideas. And for some reason, everyone still expects it of me. And yet nothing I do will be good enough to get her to care about me. 

And- I am amused by this- Colette Whiten actually takes public transit...who knew? And why does it make me cry?


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Oh. Jesus. Christ. [07 Jan 2007|09:55pm]
[ mood | terror ]

Today I went out to the creton centre and purchased myself a wardrobe of sweatpants and hoodies to hide in. Seriously. I can go an entire week without wearing the same article of clothing more than once. Most excellent. 

I also attempted (without success) to remedy the 'issue' with my piece which is to be installed in the (fucking?) gallery on wednesday of THIS week + oh SHIT. Related to this, I am apparently supposed to wear a sexy(?) dress to the opening (which I am going to be over an HOUR late for because my first meeting at Sheena's Place is the same ruddy night. Sorry I'm late girls, I was busy having an eating disorder).

I feel like I'm going to die in this place.

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Zippo [22 Dec 2006|10:05pm]
So, apparently I can't knit more than five rows without quitting, ripping it all apart, and starting (or not for several hours) again. I have zero concentration. I'm pissed off constantly. Oh yeah. And I haven't done ANYTHING for anyone for christmas besides purchase an Xbox game for my sister which she may or may not enjoy. 

Mainly because I was planning on painting or knitting things. 

So yeah. 

I just. I really suck.  
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[20 Dec 2006|11:06pm]
I won- once today. I went running instead of throwing up. 

Fuck that was hard. 

I need all sorts of therapist when I get back to TO.

And after a recent anne-urism, I need to check if I 'have' OCD...thank you for that.
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bother [19 Dec 2006|05:52pm]
[ mood | disgruntled ]

My complete lack of concentration seems to become more apparent with each passing day at home. At school, I thought all my inability to DO anything was due to the fact that everthing I was supposed to be DOING was school work, but now that I'm home I think, I'd like to read, or write or draw or practice the piano or knit or sit and watch tv, and I can't do ANYTHING for more than five minutes without becoming 'bored/anxious' and having to wander around my house aimlessly. 

It's actually driving me nuts. Especially when I'm home by myself. So I just keep leaving. Going out for walks. Seems I can't stand to be home at home either. Fantastic. 


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[16 Dec 2006|08:21pm]
And there it went, that sense of 'well being'. It lasted all of four fifths of the day. 

I am so unbelievably fucked. And I want to throw up.
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